Many modern marriage ceremonies involve the bride and groom lighting candles to represent their individual lives combining as one. From that day forward the two lives create a new entity-the marriage. It's important to realize that keeping the marriage flame burning is really a function of the individual-the individual's flames must burn in order for the marriage to thrive. Both partners must be whole, creative, and resourceful in order to nurture the relationship.
The need for individual to be whole is also true for all relationships-friendships, parent/child relationships, even business relationships. If one individual is quashed, the relationship is lopsided. Out-of-balance relationships are not relationships at all. They look more like forms of control, self-righteousness, even slavery. If you want your relationships to thrive, each person must feel equal. That's the work of the relationship.
Let's look at your relationship. How do you keep the flame burning? Look at every interaction as an opportunity to either nurture or snuff the flame that burns in the other. When you are talking to your beloved, how do you nurture the flame that is his or her soul? If it's your child you speak to, how do you speak in such a loving way that the flame will burn brighter? Another way to look at it is, do you speak with loving kindness or do you extinguish the flame with harsh criticism or the need to be right? Have you ever cringed at what a parent says to a child who is acting out in some public place? Words like dumb, stupid, or selfish can extinguish the flicker of anyone's flame. How do you speak to your beloved? Would you be proud to have the world hear everything you say? How about what you think? Even your thoughts enrich the self esteem of your partner! If she could hear what you say in your head, would her flame burn brighter?
Here are the three secrets for keeping the flame of your beloved's soul burning as bright as possible. Avoid these traps:
- Being Right
- Keeping Score
- Being Super Competent
The Being Right Trap
Being right never won a prize in a relationship. To be right means the other is wrong, and no one likes to be wrong, and everyone especially dislikes being made wrong in public. If I say, "This is the third time you've forgotten to take out the garbage/iron my shirts/clean up your mess!" then I am saying your are incompetent and I have witnessed it and that makes me better than you and that makes you less than me!
What a spirit breaker. Do you want to be in relationship with a broken spirit? If not, don't send hurtful messages. What if it is the third time for missing whatever task? What does that mean in the scheme of the world? Maybe it's time to ask a different question. Imagine what would happen if when you noticed some forgotten "duty" you said, " Wow, it looks like you're really busy, I'll take over this task for awhile. Is there anything else I can do to help you get organized?"
Of course conflicts and hurtful talk often result from bigger problems. Imagine saying, "Are you drunk again? I knew you couldn't stay on the wagon!" Think about it. What's the flame in the alcoholic's soul need at such a moment? It certainly isn't criticism. How could you respond to such a situation with love? It might be something like, "Oh Sweetie, what happened that made you need a drink?" You get the idea. Be creative with your loving kindness and your rewards will be a richness you never dreamed possible.
The Keeping Score Trap
If you have a list of He did this/She did that-you are asking for disappointment. The score will never be even and when you try to make it even, you are saying you are better than the other. Usually score keeping is about who did something to make you mad. The scorekeeper is usually the self-righteous one who thinks the other is shirking responsibility. It's like one person blows out the other's flame to become brighter. What's that dark shadow over there? Conversations in your head (or out loud) may run like this: I always do the laundry, he never picks up the kids, she always forgets to buy my favorite toothpaste, I never have time to read the paper. "Always" and "never" are common in score keeping, and it just sets you up to be a martyr. One of the definitions of martyr is "a great and constant sufferer" implying that someone is causing your suffering. Actually, when you are keeping score, you are causing your own suffering. The very act of keeping score usually causes you far more pain than the incomplete task or the unequal division of labor. Your flame is that of suffering. How could you respond to a potential scorekeeping event that doesn't extinguish your beloved's flame?
Let's say your wife has once more make a mistake in the checkbook. The mistake is made, you're overdrawn (but not bankrupt), and it's her fault. Now what do you do? What are some creative solutions to this problem that don't involve pointing out how many times she has done it before or how many times you've asked her to be more careful? You might discover what she was doing when the mistake happened and brainstorm about how to avoid the same conditions in the future. Or you explore using an ATM card or online bill paying services that really promote balance awareness. You can see these solutions empower the check writer instead of belittling her. Success will allow her flame to burn brightly and your own candle will not be made of bad feelings!
The Super Competent Trap
There's nothing wrong with being competent. It gets the job done. The Super Competent is someone who can do and does everything by himself or herself. The Super Competent goes beyond being independent into being so efficient that no one can have the pleasure of creating something with you. In a relationship where both people have their own worlds so totally taken care of that they really do not need help, input, or support from the other, they often have no co-creative projects. This does not fan the flame of partnership. It's two flames burning bright but the partnership flame is sputtering along with very little fuel. Having a vision together is a sacred synergy.
Co-creative activities can be as delightful as cooking dinner together, as mundane as cleaning out the junk room and recycling, donating, or selling it all, or as enlivening as designing and building a house together. Some couples create works of art and others create a peaceful atmosphere for Sunday breakfast with the paper.
What fun do you create together? What is your co-creative vision? These few pages have simplified how to keep your flame burning. You probably aren't fooled. It requires commitment. It's hard work. If you look at your beloved and see a person you love and want to share your life with, use the ideas here to make that life one of richness and value. Don't waste your precious energy on being right, keeping lists or doing it all yourself. Use the kindness and love you were born with to nurture the flame of your beloved and watch your own flame burn brighter. The combined flame of your relationship can become a bonfire!
(c) Jacqueline Hale, 2002
Jacquie Hale is a Life Coach who helps people discover who they truly are. Do you know how some people seem chronically unhappy or drift aimlessly? Jacquie's insightful coaching helps people discover their passion in life and guides them to create a life that is fulfilling and joyful. She is certified by the International Coach Federation and has been personally traained by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks.
In addition to coaching, Jacquie has 20 years experience in hospital laboratories and another 20 years in holistic health with an advanced degree in Natural Health. She combines her extensive background in health with her coaching abilities to help people discover a healthy lifestyle that leads them to happiness, fulfillment, and optimum well being. Jacquie believes that our wondrous bodies often provide signals to help us discover our emotional and spiritual direction. Often our illnesses and symptoms are wake up calls to help guide us on our lifepath. Jacquie is a founding member of Insights to Health wellness center in Alameda, California. She writes and holds teleclasses and workshops on health issues and life purpose. http://www.vibrancecoach.com
