Welcome to an excerpt from Exploring Womanhood's interview with Anne Semans & Cathy Winks
Authors of
The Mother's Guide to Sex
Enjoying Your Sexuality Through All Stages of Motherhood

The following are excerpts from our sister site, Exploring Womanhood's, interview with Anne Semans & Cathy Winks. Please click here to read the entire interview.

Question: My daughter is 4, and we are expecting our second child in May. Before we were parents, we really had an active sex life. We had lots of fun together and would experiment frequently. That all seems so long ago now. I really can't remember the last time I really wanted to have sex, though I do do it for my husband's sake, even though that sounds terrible! I really miss how much fun we used to have and the intimacy we shared. I have no idea how to get the feeling back and feel like I'm an old lady already!

Anne: First, let go of the comparisons to the pre-baby sex life. This doesn't serve anybody well and your sex life will never be like that again! (This is akin to the folks who long for the heady days of a new relationship when the sex was nonstop. That stage doesn't last forever, but that doesn't mean your current sex life is bad.) This is certainly not meant to discourage you, but it doesn't help matters to have unrealistic expectations. Parenthood sucks up your time and energy so unless you can afford a battery of housecleaners, chefs and nannies, give yourself a break. We've heard from hundreds of parents of toddlers who say their sex lives took a back seat until the kids were more self-sufficient. With a new baby on the way, you're probably not close to that point, but you can build a few things into your routine to allow yourself time to re-energize and relax--only then can you hope the spark will return. Get plenty of rest, exercise, eat well and take time for yourself. If you spend all your time with/on your kids, it's no wonder there's no desire left for another. Use babysitters. This gives you some much needed time off, and it frees up time for you and your husband to be together. Try just being intimate without the expectation of a sexual adventure. You run the show, rather than doing what your husband wants. Perhaps a sensuous foot rub and cuddling naked is enough to make you feel sexually satisfied. Give him permission to go off and masturbate. If you can compromise on some ideas like this, you might find yourself eventually gravitating back to some more common ground.

Anne: I can't answer that first question because I think every relationship is different, and some marriages can, and some marriages can't. There's a lot more to a relationship than sex, so it doesn't necessarily signal the demise of a relationship when it takes a back seat. More importantly for you though, is that it seems like you might need to understand that in all relationships there are bound to be times of drought and abundance. That your own sex life is undergoing a transformation should be seen not as a signal of imminent disaster, but a temporary turn while you learn to adjust your lives and desires to accommodate another being. We've noticed that couples who take this long view, and accept the drought knowing that the rains will come again one day, have a much better time of surviving the rocky times. Times like these test out your communication skills, your empathy, and your imagination.

Question: I've had a cesarean with a horrible scar plus I have so many stretch marks that my tummy skin could reach to Mars. I feel very unattractive so I don't want my husband to see me naked or touch my tummy. My husband doesn't seem to mind but I feel bad when I see him looking through the Victoria's Secret catalog. How can feel more in the mood for sex when I feel ugly?

Anne: Yours is a common concern among mothers who are shocked when their bodies don't zing back into pre-baby shape (the case with most of us, so you are not alone). You can feel ugly, or you can choose, like many of the moms we spoke to, to view your scars or sagging breasts as the rewards of the miracle of birth, as evidence of the creation of new life. On a practical level, if your embarrassment persists, you can opt to have sex by candlelight or you can peruse that Victoria's Secret catalog with your husband and choose something which allows you to feel sexy and covered.

Question: After caring for a baby and toddler all day, I feel "touched out" by the end of the day. My husband's feelings are hurt when I tell him this. How can I help him understand and keep our romance alive?

Anne: Many times, partners read "touched out" as a flat rejection. What you can do is think about what would make you feel sensual or sexual, and share that with your husband. Ask him to do the same, and you can probably arrive at some compromises. Maybe you'd love a warm soak in the tub and wouldn't mind him joining you. Maybe your partner would like to watch some porn with you lying beside him while he masturbates. This can be a great time to explore a variety of sexual and sensual alternatives to intercourse, and give you the tools to break free of an old routine.

Question: I'm on complete bedrest with my pregnancy, and my husband and I aren't allowed to have sex. I'm not allowed to have any kind of orgasm so we've pretty much stayed away from each other. How can we stay connected through the rest of this pregnancy?

Anne: Well, after all that abstaining, just think about how great your first orgasm will be! But on to your question. You and your husband can stay connected through a variety of intimate contact. It's not always about the physical--showing each other how much you love each other can be done in thousands of way, kind words, love letters, thoughtful gestures, spontaneous getaways, special meals, little treats, you get the idea. As for the physical, only you know how close you can be without feeling a sexual urge--so experiment with that, perhaps it's just holding hands during a movie, sleeping spoon style, etc. It may feel like a restriction, but this can present you with some great opportunities to connect on a deeper level.

Question: How do you deal with it when one of your pre-teen children hears you having sex?

Anne: It depends on what your kids know about sex already. If you've explained sex to them by now, then they probably know what you're up to and it doesn't require any further elaboration. Kids overhearing their parents have sex is not the end of the world. I believe it helps them understand that their parents are normal sexual beings, and it shows them what a healthy adult relationship can be like, so that when they're ready for one themselves, they've got something to refer to. If you think your kids have no idea what the sound was, you might want to reassure them that mom and dad were loving each other in private (not hurting each other), and take the opportunity (pre-teen is not too early) to explain sex and reproduction to them. There are lots of good books and age-appropriate materials. Ours has a section on talking to your kids about sex, and two of my favorites are It's Perfectly Normal and More Speaking of Sex.